The Data Detective’s Guide to NBA BS

As someone who crunches numbers for a living, I’ve seen more fake NBA rumors than Shaq has missed free throws. That viral Westbrook-to-Warriors hoax? Pure comedy gold - it violated more rules than Draymond Green in a playoff game!

Trust Tiers: From Oracle to Obvious Lies

The hierarchy of truth:

• T0: When WarriorsPR tweets, it’s gospel
• T1: Shams is basically NBA Santa (knows who’s been naughty or nice)
• T4: BallReport = the National Enquirer of basketball

Pro tip: If the ‘source’ is “my barber’s cousin’s Uber driver,” maybe don’t bet your mortgage on it. What’s the wildest rumor you’ve almost believed? #NBADataOrDrama

The Lithuanian Question Mark

At 6’6” with Reaves-esque moves but 3.7 turnovers per game, Jakucionis is either Houston’s future PG or Phoenix’s newest trade chip! My algorithm says there’s a 63% chance he becomes starter-material… and a 100% chance some team overpays for that Euro hype.

Pocket Pass or Pocket Change? Those slick assists (92nd percentile!) could make him valuable - if he stops giving the ball away like it’s hot lava. Maybe Ime Udoka can teach him defense… or maybe he’ll just become Book’s new passing buddy?

Would you develop him or flip him? Sound off below!

Stat Nerds Unite!

Houston’s about to draft Robert Covington 2.0 at No. 10 - except this version actually makes layups!

Defensive Cyborg Mode: That 212cm wingspan isn’t just for high-fives - it’s a full-court bug zapper for opposing guards (5.3% block rate in isolation = pure witchcraft).

Foul Trouble Simulator: Yes, he averages 4.1 fouls per 40 mins… but Bayesian models say there’s a 38% chance your coach will not yeet his clipboard after 3 quarters.

Hot take: In a draft hunting unicorns, Bryant’s our beloved centaur 🏹 #AnalyticsNeverLies

From Excel Sheets to Aloha Shirts

Patty Mills trading his jersey for a GM tie? That’s not just a career pivot—it’s the NBA’s version of retiring to Hawaii but with spreadsheets. ESPN’s gonna need a new metric: “Island Efficiency Per 36 Minutes.”

Juice Math: Sochan = Instant Viral

10:30 AM post → Crowd explosion by lunch. Proof that free wellness shots > free throws in fan engagement calculus. (Though someone check if those teeth are Photoshop-enhanced…)

Hot Take: If Barnes collects one more soccer jersey, FIFA might draft him as their next ambassador. Your move, algorithms!

Drop your wildest Spurs stat predictions below while I update my “Pizza Diplomacy” regression model…

The Ferrari With Bicycle Wheels

Amen Thompson’s 94th percentile defensive potential would be impressive…if his 28.3% 3-point shooting wasn’t making statisticians question their life choices. At this point, we might as well trade him for a graphing calculator that can actually make shots.

Advanced Stats or Advanced Hopes?

Alperen Şengün’s 19.3 PER at 21 is objectively great, but every ‘poor man’s Jokić’ comparison reduces his trade value by approximately one draft pick (according to my spite algorithm).

Fun fact: Our models show Jalen Green’s ‘next Kobe’ hype has the same statistical validity as a horoscope prediction.

Want the full breakdown? My Patreon accepts both data nerds and angry Rockets fans.

NBA Math Class is in Session

Professor Hartenstein just gave a masterclass in variable angle screening - and the Pacers failed the pop quiz spectacularly. That 87-degree screen had Myles Turner looking like he forgot his protractor at home!

SGA: The Algorithm Whisperer

Shai’s delayed exploitation moves had Indiana’s defense buffering like dial-up internet. My favorite? When he made Siakam hesitate longer than a rookie picking his first NBA 2K play.

Fun fact: Hartenstein’s screens created more separation than my last relationship. Coach Daigneault out here playing 4D chess while other coaches are still learning checkers!

Who else thinks OKC’s analytics team deserves a raise? Drop your hot takes below!

The 3-Inch Vanishing Act

Bailey’s ‘creative’ height measurement would make even Houdini proud. Claiming 6’10” while actually being 6’7” isn’t rounding error - it’s performance art! My data models are screaming louder than a coach watching this tape.

Workout Avoidance 101

No combine? No problem! Bailey’s playbook:

1. Dodge vertical leap tests like they’re vaccine shots
2. Treat shooting drills like Monday mornings
3. Never stand beside taller prospects (basic math is hard)

Smart move - if you’re drafting for the Invisible Man reboot. For real teams? Maybe check Essengue’s honest 6’9” frame instead.

Newton’s laws > Agent’s laws - gravity always wins in the end!