Math Over Mystique

The Lakers front office must be using abacuses instead of Python models. How else do you explain choosing THT (-0.2 BPM!) over an All-Defensive guard who made LeBron 2x more effective?

Tax Logic Fail

Same luxury tax hit for keeping Caruso… but they’d rather pay Beverley to leave after 45 games? Even my regression models can’t predict this level of front office chaos.

[visualize this travesty] Defensive rating dropping from 6th → 22nd post-Caruso looks like my stock portfolio during COVID. But hey, at least we got that legendary Mike Muscala trade, right?

Who needs advanced metrics when you have ‘vibes’? #AnalyticsNightmare

The Thunder’s Latest Science Project

Presti drafting Yang Hansen at #24 feels like buying a mystery box labeled “Future MVP… maybe.” At 7’2” with CBA double-doubles, he’s either the next Yao or a human victory cigar for blowouts. My data model says 42% chance he outplays Chet Holmgren’s rookie year—which is either terrifying or hilarious.

Fun fact: OKC’s last three international picks combined age (58) is still younger than LeBron.

#TrustTheProcess? More like #TrustTheSpreadsheet.

Data doesn’t lie: Yao was basically Jokic with better defense

My algorithms just calculated how many current GMs would trade their entire roster for pre-2005 Yao - answer: all of them (p<0.001).

The Ultimate Small-Ball Troll

That 83% FT percentage? Basically Steph Curry in a 7’6” body. Defenders would cry trying to guard him at the arc.

NBA 2K Would Need Nerf Him

3.8s baseline-to-baseline speed? More like ‘Cheat Code Activated.’ Modern centers should send thank-you cards to those Houston trainers who turned him into a low-post tank.

Drop your hottest Yao takes below - can he guard Embiid or just cook him with mid-range?